08
Dec '18
The Things Unasked
08
Dec '18
Written by: Mandi Greene
I hate having to ask for the things I need. In my perfect world, a little fairy would flutter around whispering in the ears of my loved ones to give them all a nudge in the right direction.
“Your wife didn’t get much sleep last night, you should offer to take the baby to the park
and let her take a nap”.
and let her take a nap”.
“That smile is fake, she definitely cannot handle a single thing more on her plate right
now. Her sanity is at risk. Go ask someone else”.
now. Her sanity is at risk. Go ask someone else”.
“That tone of voice feels like a slap in the face every time you use it. Let’s figure out a
better way to communicate”.
better way to communicate”.
“Hey, listen, she could really use a hug. She’s not giving you the silent treatment
because it’s fun, she’s doing it because she is feeling unloved”.
because it’s fun, she’s doing it because she is feeling unloved”.
This is the struggle that tugs at me when we talk about the power of words; not that I will
misuse or abuse them, but that I won’t use them at all. That I will sit back and stay silent, that I
will allow this life to simply happen to me instead of taking measures to make it into the life that I
want. It’s a tough one to tackle because generally speaking, things would still be okay if I didn’t
speak up. I would still be in a healthy marriage that I enjoy. I would still have lifelong friends
who love and support me. I would still be a mom to my little one, a daughter, a sister, a
Christian woman. But God did not craft us so lovingly, sacrifice so completely, or guide us so
patiently for us to hunker down and settle for a life of mediocrity.
misuse or abuse them, but that I won’t use them at all. That I will sit back and stay silent, that I
will allow this life to simply happen to me instead of taking measures to make it into the life that I
want. It’s a tough one to tackle because generally speaking, things would still be okay if I didn’t
speak up. I would still be in a healthy marriage that I enjoy. I would still have lifelong friends
who love and support me. I would still be a mom to my little one, a daughter, a sister, a
Christian woman. But God did not craft us so lovingly, sacrifice so completely, or guide us so
patiently for us to hunker down and settle for a life of mediocrity.
What if, instead of receiving love in whatever manner was made available to us, we gave
our spouse the tools to show us love in a fashion that speaks our language? What if we
enabled our friends to give us the kind of support we need for the season of life we are in right
now? What if we were empowered to set healthy boundaries, to rest when we needed it, and to
share that yoke when it feels like the weight of it is going to crush us?
our spouse the tools to show us love in a fashion that speaks our language? What if we
enabled our friends to give us the kind of support we need for the season of life we are in right
now? What if we were empowered to set healthy boundaries, to rest when we needed it, and to
share that yoke when it feels like the weight of it is going to crush us?
Telling someone that you need them to do something differently does not mean that they
are doing something wrong, and it shouldn’t mean that you are headed for a fight. I grew up in
a home where conflict was explosive, and scary, and wholly unpredictable, and then I grew into
an adult who will take three left turns, eight flights of stairs and balance the high wire just to
avoid it. I became accommodating and unassertive, and while that in itself is not necessarily a
bad thing, it becomes a problem when I would rather suffer in silence than look out for my own
health and well-being.
are doing something wrong, and it shouldn’t mean that you are headed for a fight. I grew up in
a home where conflict was explosive, and scary, and wholly unpredictable, and then I grew into
an adult who will take three left turns, eight flights of stairs and balance the high wire just to
avoid it. I became accommodating and unassertive, and while that in itself is not necessarily a
bad thing, it becomes a problem when I would rather suffer in silence than look out for my own
health and well-being.
When my husband went back to work after our son was born, I took on night duty with
the baby. It was the arrangement we agreed on and it worked for us. But there were bad
nights. There were nights when I needed help; when I felt useless and frustrated and
insufficient, and somehow the idea of having to wake my husband and admit those things only
exacerbated the issues. So I paced and bounced my screaming son and prayed that God
would just give my husband that little nudge for me. That he would wake up to use the
bathroom and hear the baby crying and come to rescue me all on his own. I waited hours, then
the baby. It was the arrangement we agreed on and it worked for us. But there were bad
nights. There were nights when I needed help; when I felt useless and frustrated and
insufficient, and somehow the idea of having to wake my husband and admit those things only
exacerbated the issues. So I paced and bounced my screaming son and prayed that God
would just give my husband that little nudge for me. That he would wake up to use the
bathroom and hear the baby crying and come to rescue me all on his own. I waited hours, then
days, then weeks before I finally had to come to terms with the fact that needing help with those
tough nights did not make me an insufficient mother, but allowing myself to become too laden
with stress, frustration, and sleep deprivation to be able to function certainly did. So with my last
shreds of rational thought, I knelt beside my sleeping husband and shook him awake.
“I need help. The baby has been awake for two hours and I am about to freak out.”
There was no fight. No disappointment. No judgement or low opinion of me, or any of
the other irrational fears that kept me a prisoner to my own silence for so long. He sat up,
rubbed my shoulders and kissed my forehead, and got up to help.
tough nights did not make me an insufficient mother, but allowing myself to become too laden
with stress, frustration, and sleep deprivation to be able to function certainly did. So with my last
shreds of rational thought, I knelt beside my sleeping husband and shook him awake.
“I need help. The baby has been awake for two hours and I am about to freak out.”
There was no fight. No disappointment. No judgement or low opinion of me, or any of
the other irrational fears that kept me a prisoner to my own silence for so long. He sat up,
rubbed my shoulders and kissed my forehead, and got up to help.
This is not the first time I have been the author of my own suffering by simply not
speaking up. It’s a recurring issue. It is something that I wake up to and am faced with again
and again, day to day and minute to minute. It’s a lesson that I have to learn, and then re-learn
a hundred more times. I could have saved myself so much heartache, enjoyed my newborn so
much better, and appreciated my husband’s steadfast presence so much sooner if I had only
been willing to open my mouth and ask for help as soon as I needed it.
speaking up. It’s a recurring issue. It is something that I wake up to and am faced with again
and again, day to day and minute to minute. It’s a lesson that I have to learn, and then re-learn
a hundred more times. I could have saved myself so much heartache, enjoyed my newborn so
much better, and appreciated my husband’s steadfast presence so much sooner if I had only
been willing to open my mouth and ask for help as soon as I needed it.
There is no human on earth who can magically know our greatest needs or bandage our
deepest insecurities without us telling them what those are – only God can do that, and even he
does not swoop in to meet our every unspoken need at the drop of a hat. He tells us to ask!
And not to ask timidly or in fear of rejection, but to keep on asking, keep on seeking, keep on
knocking. (Matt.7:7). This is our guideline for effective prayer, the most basic and intrinsic
building block of our communication with God. So should it also be our avenue for effective
communication with our earthly loved ones; because vocalizing your needs to the people who
love and care for you enables them to be a better spouse, a more supportive friend, a more
understanding child, a more effective co-worker. It does not make you needy, or a
disappointment, or an inconvenience. No one is going to stand back and gasp at your blatant
inability to maneuver life.
deepest insecurities without us telling them what those are – only God can do that, and even he
does not swoop in to meet our every unspoken need at the drop of a hat. He tells us to ask!
And not to ask timidly or in fear of rejection, but to keep on asking, keep on seeking, keep on
knocking. (Matt.7:7). This is our guideline for effective prayer, the most basic and intrinsic
building block of our communication with God. So should it also be our avenue for effective
communication with our earthly loved ones; because vocalizing your needs to the people who
love and care for you enables them to be a better spouse, a more supportive friend, a more
understanding child, a more effective co-worker. It does not make you needy, or a
disappointment, or an inconvenience. No one is going to stand back and gasp at your blatant
inability to maneuver life.
They are probably going to rub your shoulders, kiss you on the forehead, and get up to
help.
help.
So ask. Seek. Knock. See what happens.
BLOG AUDIO
Mandi
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The most honest thing I can tell you about myself is that I am a total mess. On any given day it’s likely that I have eaten breakfast, washed my hair, or put on clean clothes, but certainly not all three. After six years of marriage to a man who can never be called boring, I’ve recently entered into the most challenging and inspirational season of life yet – becoming a new mom. Having grown up as a part of the Oakwood family myself, I am overjoyed to begin raising my little one in the same loving arms. It has been through this new beginning that God has continued working on me in completely new ways, and I am so thrilled to share this journey with you, and humbled that our Savior finds value in someone as ordinary and unremarkable as me and my middle class, suburban American life. – Mandi
Mandi, Thank your for being so transparent and honest. I wish that I had had someone like you to talk to when I was a young mother struggling with so many uncertainties and insecurities. Instead, back in my day, we all “pretended” we knew what we were doing and had everything under control. God is going to use you, Mandi, to reach people! I love your blog! Please keep writing!
Mandy today I shared your blog on FB. I am much older, many life experiences that God has used to opened my eyes, but took me years to see. Your words are my words, my past and I am sure, so many others. Thank you for putting it in writing and I prayer it will bless others as it has blessed me!
Beverly,
My beautiful sister in Christ, THANK YOU! Thank you for sharing, and speaking, and joining in spreading that encouragement to others. Thank you for hearing my heart and responding in love.
God Bless!
Robin, your encouragement means more than I can say. Thank you! It is my greatest desire that we all have that person to talk to, and that with time, the dialogue will only come more easily. There is so much strength to be found in struggling together.
God bless!