19
Jan '19
Fraud
19
Jan '19
If I’m being completely transparent (and I totally am), I find it peculiar that I find myself in situations where I need to go back and read my own blogs for encouragement. What is that? WHY is that? If that doesn’t make a person feel like a “fraud”, I don’t know what does. I think this is why we have to keep reaching out to God, because if we find ourselves slipping a bit, we’ll end up in a place wondering how we got there, and in my case, wondering how strong I could’ve been to write the words that I had written “previously” (by going back and reading them myself). I don’t profess to be great at writing, but I’ve actually brought myself out of a nose dive by reading my own blogs. How does that happen?* Irony at its best.
Lately I’ve been struggling with something and it even woke me up in the middle of the night and kept me up for a bit, and I really needed to get some good sleep, but alas, I was tossing and turning. I don’t often wake up at night thinking about things in life, but last night I did. At one point, I rolled over and my hand hit my Bible square on its cover and a loud “TRUST ME” hit me like a Mack truck at that exact second. Out of nowhere, I just heard that loud voice. That was pretty powerful. “Oh. Yeah! Trust HIM!” then came to mind. I hate to admit, but that’s sometimes easier said than done. If I don’t see the bigger picture, I sometimes doubt. I think God knew that and felt that I would need something a bit more concrete, and more of a verbal reassurance (booming in my head) at that moment, and He surely came through loud and clear.
Psalm 139: 23-24 (NLT): Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends You, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.
This morning as I’m writing this blog, I’m reflecting back on that loud voice, and thinking how many times I’ve written in blog-form, and published blogs saying “Trust Him!”. I’d have to go back and count, but I’m sure it’s been many, many times I’ve said those words… and I do believe it. But when it comes to a struggle (that, mind you, I like to control), it becomes harder for me to believe when I can’t quite see what’s up ahead. Even when a loud, booming “TRUST ME” hits me in the middle of the night like a 2’x4″ to the head. Why is it that I still struggle and wonder and try to control things when I know beyond doubt He has it covered already?
I. HAVE. NO. IDEA.
So, that’s why I can feel like a total fraud sometimes, but then again, that’s why I need God so much. When I’m feeling like a fraud, He is the only one that can remind me that “I’m enough”. When I’m feeling confused and struggling, He is the only one that can remind me to “Hang in there.. Trust me!”. I know His promises are true. I know He’s already seen the “bigger picture” of my situation. He doesn’t believe me to be a “fraud”. So, why do I still doubt sometimes? I’m human.. I’m not God – that’s why.
Mark 9:24b NLT (a father crying out to God): “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!”
So, as much as I don’t feel like trusting anyone or anything right now, and as I’m feeling like this “fraud” that I think I am, I’m going to go ahead and fight through the struggle and do just that.
TRUST HIM. No one else. Just Him.
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Below paragraph not in the blog audio:
* I was reminded by a friend after he read this blog that the words in my blogs are from a prayer that God will speak through me as I write, therefore, the reason I needed to re-read my own blogs was not to read my own words, but to read the words God wanted me to write in that particular blog. I hadn’t thought of it this way. Thankful for Godly friends who remind me how wonderful God truly is, and the numerous ways He speaks to us.
BLOG AUDIO
*Dena*
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